Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Bulletins From The Garlic

Feminists Call For Male Brain Probes

After the demand for vaginal probes for women seeking abortion, a feminist group has demanded brain probes for all men entering political life.

Spokesperson Dutch Hillary said “They should be assessed for sanity, intelligence and morality. This can best be achieved by using a test which measures male brain capacity by sticking four knitting needles, one in each ear and each nostril of the man,  and if he vomits or pukes, he is deemed possessor of a brain. If he bleeds to death, well wadda ya gonna do.”

Ultrasound testing can also prove whether or not a brain exists between the ears of a penis bearing person. “ You simply send an electronic blast into his head, something about a hundred times louder than the worst heavy metal band. If his head explodes, he is suitable for menial work and politics. If it doesn’t, he can marry any man he likes, as long as that man also passes this test and they only adopt same sex babies.”

Afghans Burn American Flag, Obama Calls For Nuclear Attack

American citizens of all races, creeds, ethnicities and sexual choices united behind the president in backing nuclear attack on Afghanistan after the horrendous, sacrilegious burning of an American flag by an Afghan Taliban Burning Man terrorist.

“That flag is a symbol of all we Americans hold sacred. Our malls, our pets, our families, our weapons, our cosmetics, the substance of our democracy and the trillions of dollars in debt that make them all possible. We will not stand for the desecration of a symbol so valuable even homeless people, prisoners, the disabled and the insane in and out of commerce are united in calling for vengeance, said Secretary of State Clinton. Congress, the Supreme Court, Wal-Mart’s, Nordstrom and AIPAC all joined in a call for bloody judeo Christian retribution.

AIPAC Convention Accepts Dramatic Obama Offer

He will kiss Netanyahu’s butt before and after making his speech lauding Israeli democracy and disregarding the Palestinian people. Republican candidates have demanded an opportunity to bury their faces in Netanyahu’s crotch before the president ends his obsequious kissing for currency. Abe Foxman says they should wait until after the president’s passionate moment but while Romney agrees Santorum and Gingrich wish to express their biblical and financial devotion right after Netanyahu enters the convention center.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Obama Slams Santorum, Says Both Parties Worship "God of Israel"

Denies Senator's Charge He Follows "Different Theology"

by Michael K. Smith
Legalienation News Bureau
Washington D.C.

President Barack Obama drew applause from across the political spectrum today when he rejected GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum's claim that he leads based on a theology different from that in the Bible.

"I know it's an election year," said the president, "but the charge that I deviate from the theology of the Bible is scurrilous and irresponsible. I firmly hold to the view that Israel was ordained by God, who gave the Holy Land to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, not the Arabs." He added that there was "no disagreement" between Republicans and Democrats about this, and that a "responsible consensus" had existed for decades that Palestine "belongs to the Jews by Biblical right."

Santorum had criticized the President for his "secular world view," which the Pennsylvania Senator said was based on the false idea that a monarchical God was not micromanaging the universe from Heaven, thus requiring a federal bureaucracy to fill the void. Obama shot back that he certainly did not believe that government was a substitute for the Almighty, but that in the absence of a Divine strike on Iran, Israel could not be faulted for "doing God's will by proxy."

Saturday, February 18, 2012

A Message From Tolstoy: The Police and The Military Work For The 1%

"If these men did not exist, - these soldiers and policemen, - the armed men in general, who are prepared on command to commit violence and to kill all those whom they are commanded to kill, not one of the men who sign the decrees for executions, life imprisonment, hard labor, would ever have the courage himself to hang, lock up, torture to death one thousandth part of those whom now, sitting quietly in their studies, they order to be hung and to be tortured in every way, only because they do not see it and it is not done by them, but somewhere far away by obedient executors."

-----The Kingdom of God Is Within You

Friday, February 17, 2012

Occupy Sanity

Russia and China made up for their shameful conduct in the Libyan tragedy by vetoing the UN ploy to invade Syria, temporarily muffling those war drums. But the crazed drumbeat about Iran continues even though cooler heads argue against military action. This while they impose punishing sanctions on Iran in order to avoid diminished funds for Obama in an election year when American Jewish money is vital for the purchase of American Christian votes.

Wikileaks documents revealed Israel behind a group that murdered several Iranian scientists and when an attack was made on Israeli diplomats in the same fashion, charges that the Iranians were behind it all but drowned out the American presidential campaign farce. In all this fantasy, mainstream media are not just stenographers but leaders in hyping information poor Americans into believing Iran, Syria, Muslims and socialists are menacing the USA. A severely damaged global economy is major reason for this epidemic of unreason and its capitalist class becomes further detached from reality as the situation grows more critical.

After a recession bordering on a depression the U.S. continues economic war on its people by cutting public spending while other nations reduce their populations to even more misery. Greece slashes its minimum wage and lays off more than a hundred thousand public employees so that private investors can collect interest on the national debt. That is the same situation all over the capitalist world, including Russia and China. Though they have only recently jumped into that economic frying pan they seem to have noticed it has become so overheated that the entire kitchen may burst into flames at any moment.

The attack on economic survival is what financial rulers call an austerity program. It means the majority is being forced to pay for the profits of a small minority. As one example, the U.S. Postal Service – the nation’s number one public employer – is under assault because it uses too many workers in an electronic age that finds profits  increasing even faster for the few by loss of jobs for the many. These economic rules are a malignant social disease which is at the root of much that threatens humanity’s future.

As western people suffer this austerity assault, those in countries not yet totally under the smothering blanket of finance capital are menaced with the even more deadly threat of war.

Like Libya, Syria has played according to rules not wholly in accord with global capital’s political priests and rabbis and  for this reason they are treated as aberrations. They, and nations like Cuba , Iran and Venezuela are labeled anti-democratic by perverters of language who define democracy as the minority rule which exists everywhere in the western world. Libya is now controlled by foreign capital and much less a unified state than it ever was under Kaddafi’s rule. Syria has been run by a party and dynasty for a longer time and is less dependent on a single figure but more on a bureaucracy , a military and a middle class which probably supports the regime, including many who want change but not if it’s imposed on them for the benefit of the west. The depiction of a murderous dictator is a gross simplification, as in Libya, with infiltration and financing from outside the nation helping to foment violence among people with honest grievances, dishonestly provoked. Divisions are heightened among Islamic groups and economic classes with contradictions that find America’s supposed arch enemy al-Qaida now often aligned with its program.

While Syrian people are bombarded with violence and suffering at least partly caused by the west, western people are bombarded by media with inflated death tolls seemingly coming from the only Syrian not yet murdered but whose calculator may soon need new batteries so he can keep counting the slaughters he miraculously avoids.

Bloody foreign policy is an extension of America’s domestic problems, with a billion dollar presidential race that reduces social and moral issues to a battle between religious fanatic patriarchy and secular obsessed bigotry providing a distraction from the reality of a collapsing political sham resting on a precarious economic foundation. An emerging trend towards real democracy offers hope for the future but little immediate relief.

So we continue enduring attacks on our sanity and intelligence that claim Iran is a threat to the planet, especially Israel, while we pile embargos, sanctions and hostilities short of overt war on a nation which has never done anything to the USA or Israel, except rebel against our interference in its rule and criticize that apartheid state , a crime of genocidal anti-Semitism in the mental health crisis center of USraeli misinformation.

Surrounded by American and NATO military bases, without nuclear weapons and no history of invading any nation in modern times, Iran is a threat. Israel, with hundreds of nukes and a record of assaulting its neighbors, and the U.S, with hundreds of military bases all over the world and the only nation to ever use nuclear weapons, are guardians of the peace. If you believe that, you need to take a sedative and see a mental health professional. The rest of us need to further investigate our supposed democratic reality before we allow it to be imposed on other nations:

196 individuals – less than one millionth of a percent of our population! - - have each already given 100,000 dollars or more to “our” presidential candidates, and there are still nine months to go before the election. If prostitutes are virgins, excrement is cuisine and war is peace, that’s democracy. 
We’d better Occupy our government before it  destroys us and the rest of the world as well.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Bulletins from The Garlic: Gay Jewish Scandal

Gay Jewish couple’s son states “today I am not a man” at Bar Mitzvah 

Orthodox Jewish group threatens law suit, ADL charges couple with self hating anti-semitism, gay liberation movement calls for mass LBGTV Jewish conversion to Christianity, AIPAC gives four billion more to Israeli gay pac, congress censures self hating Jewish gays but pledges support to all gay financial donors no matter their faith, religion, racial or tribal affiliation…

Several political figures expressed varying degrees of opposition or support:

Nancy Pelosi : Oy Vey.

Newt Gingrich: Gays are an invented people.

Rick Santorum: What’s a bar mitzvah?

Mitt Romney: How does my hair look?

Barack Obama: We will continue our passionate and uncritical support for Israel in every way possible, whether that great democratic nation in the middle east chooses to be gay, straight or agnostic.

Hillary Clinton: All sexual options are on the table.
Has anyone seen my husband?

Ron Paul: Close down the fed, open up the free market, get out of the middle east, rebuild the middle west.
Has anyone ever actually seen the invisible hand?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Genocide in Libya, um, no Iran, er, no Syria!

Genocide in Libya, um, no Iran, er, no Syria!

Armed insurrection in Syria has met with government violence against the insurrectionists, in contrast to western civilization and its servant international community where insurrectionists are always invited to lunch to discuss their problems with authority, provided they do not kill  the diplomats who agree to talk to them.

After charges of mass rape were made by Syrians who miraculously escaped being raped by hiding behind cell phones, charges of genocide have come from others who avoided being genocided by miraculously hiding behind kindles.

U.S. feminists at the State Department expressed foaming at the mouth outrage at the bloodletting and sex crimes and genocide, with the Secretary herself calling for nuclear attacks on all Iranians, um, Syrians, if they do not stop threatening Israel, um, the U.S.

Santorum Wins in Pennsiltuckazona: Romney Buys More Pomade

The leading haircut in the Republican primary suffered defeat as a guy who gets his hair cut at barber school won caucuses, prayer meetings and pot lucks in several communities on the outskirts of media central.

Santorum has electrified voters with his radical views, such as referring to wars, earthquakes and tsunamis as job creators.

“Somebody has to do the killing and cleaning up the  mess and rebuilding, my friends, and if you love this great country as much as I do, which is more than the other guys do, you have to agree with me.”

Romney responded in outrage that “nobody loves this great country more than I do” but his voice could barely be heard when Gingrich screamed at the top of his lungs “I love this great country more than anyone in the universe and they don’t know what love is.”

Several supporters of all the candidates were overcome with emotion at the display of love for this great country. “Who cares about the economy, foreign policy, taxes, corporate wealth or the 1%? All we need is love.”

Friday, February 3, 2012

Great News If You Love This Country

Trump Endorses Romney’s Hair

“We both love this great country and I love his great hair” said great billionaire Donald Trump as he endorsed great billionaire Mitt Romney for president. Both agreed that this was a great country and that they both loved this great country and Romney added, “ for a comb over and on his great budget, I have to say we need more jobs in this great country for our great barbers and hair coloring school graduates in this great economy in this great country.”

Trump agreed that this was a great country and that he loved it as much as Romney, but he loved Romney’s hair even more because of this country’s great barbers, hair colorists and also our great population of fine looking bimbos.

News From Economic Schizo Central

Stocks surge on strong US jobs data

Friday 18:25 GMT. Global equity indexes rose on Friday and the S&P 500 extended its best start for the year since at least 1997 after better than expected US jobs data joined improving service sector surveys to boost investor hopes over the global economic recovery.

Risky debt use on repo market hits 2008 levels
The use of lower-rated debt in a key US funding market has returned to pre-crisis levels, fuelling fears that the so-called shadow banking system is becoming riskier.
The repo market is an important part of the shadow banking sector, which consists of unregulated financial institutions and activities.